


I could get used to this

by orphan_account



Series: I must have done something good to meet you [1]
Category: Johnny's Entertainment, Sexy Zone
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-21
Updated: 2015-02-21
Packaged: 2018-03-14 11:07:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3408281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kento tells Fuma that he loves him, and Fuma is entirely unsure what to answer to that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I could get used to this

**Author's Note:**

> So... this fic has been sitting here for 2 weeks, and tonight it completely ran amok with me. I am sorry for all the tears and the angst ;___; It was not planned that way. Complain to FumaKen.

Fuma’s POV

“Hey… Can I talk to you for a moment?”

I looked over my shoulder to find Kento standing in the doorway which connected Shori’s and my hotel room with the veranda, obviously insecure, as if seriously fearing I would send him away, and I sighed, knowing that this hesitance was, in a way, my own fault. 

“Sure” I murmured, leaning against the railing with my elbows and looking out over the partio, waiting until Kento had settled next to me, peeking at me from the side. 

“I am sorry… for earlier” Kento whispered. “I did not want to fight.”

“Me neither” I returned unwillingly, focusing my gaze on a sleeping bird sitting on the branch of the nearest tree. “Sometimes my frustration just runs away with me. You know me.”

“I’m sorry that you keep getting frustrated with me” Kento murmured, sounding more miserable than I was ready to deal with. “I know it’s always me that brings out that side of you.”

“That has many reasons” I sighed. “We have been close for a very long time and I am around you more than most others. Plus you have this tendency of gulping everything that bothers you down instead of just talking to me, and that has become a really sore spot for me.”

“... I am sorry” Kento repeated, and I sighed again, finally looking up at him. 

“I just can’t tell what’s going on inside of you sometimes” I continued. “I know that something is wrong but not what it is and I just… It makes me blow up about things that don’t even require such a fuss. I know it’s my fault as well, but I just… wished you’d be more open sometimes.”

I could see Kento’s hand gripping the railing so tightly that his knuckles turned white, and it told me that this conversation was harder for him than he let on. 

“It’s difficult for me, being honest to you” he admitted finally, his voice faint. “There are sides of me that you don’t know, and I don’t want you to dislike me because of them.”

I was silent for a moment, regarding his words and trying to find the right answer. Now that Kento and I were finally talking, I did not want to say anything wrong to push him away again. 

“It’s hard to imagine, that you have hidden something that could have such a strong effect on our friendship for as long as we know each other. I feel like nothing could shock me as much as you might imagine.”

“You have no idea.”

“Why don’t you try me?” When Kento didn’t answer, I added: “I promise that I won’t judge you, Nakajima. We have been through too much stuff together for that. I’d appreciate your honesty much more than if you continued to stay silent.”

Kento was not looking at me, just staring out into the darkness, and I wondered what kind of secret it was that he was carrying with him. What made him so hesitant about telling me. I had always felt hurt upon noticing that there were things he was hiding from me, but this was probably the first time I understood that maybe, his silence was not fueled by a lack of trust, but by a real fear . It threw me a little, and I was not quite sure what to do with the kind of feelings this realization evoked.

“The thing is, it’s about you” Kento breathed, very softly. “And I am afraid that it might push you away if I tell you.”

“I want to know even more if it has to do with me” I returned strongly. “So, please, Nakajima. I am serious.”

Kento took a deep breath, and I could see him chewing on his lower lip in nervousness. When he finally turned to face me again, his expression was resigned, as if he was facing a death sentence, and it made my heart beat uncomfortably in my chest.

“I like you” he confessed finally, his eyes boring into mine. “As more than a friend.”

The words took a moment to sink in, but my body was faster to react than my brain. It refused to absorb enough air, causing a wave of dizziness, so I grabbed the railing a little tighter to hold myself upright.

Kento broke our eye contact before I could even form an answer, his smile self-deprecating and dark. 

“I know you can’t answer to my feelings” he said finally, his voice rough. “I always knew that. You are straight, and I can’t change that.”

I took a shaky breath, fighting against my bodies apparent urge to break down on the spot, clearing my throat.

“Yeah, I…” I murmured, trying to string my thoughts together. “I haven’t thought about you that way before.” Everything inside of me hurt as I pronounced those words, and I only realized belatedly that it was because I was rejecting Kento. I was the one causing him pain, and though I was aware that this was by far not the first time, it felt different now, and it gave me a feeling of helplessness, unable to deal neither with my own emotions nor with the thought of how he must be hurting, and had probably all this time.

“I know” Kento murmured, that bitter smile still in place, and it seemed so sharp that it felt like it could cut right into my soul. “I never expected you to love me back. That is why I didn’t want to tell you.”

“I am sorry” I said quietly, not sure what I was apologizing for. Forcing him to admit to something he felt uncomfortable about, the rejection, his unrequited feelings, the silent suffering he had gone through all this time? Maybe a little bit of everything. 

“Don’t be” Kento shook his head, the smile fading to something more real, anxiety maybe, showing unreflected on his face now. “I just… want to be your friend. I don’t need anything more. I just want to be by your side, the way it used to be. But lately, we can’t even manage to do that properly, and I know it’s my fault, and-”

“Stop!” I interrupted him, shaking my head vehemently. “Don’t blame yourself. It won’t bring us anywhere.” Kento nodded, but did not say anything, and it made me remember that I had not answered to what he had been trying to tell me. “And of course you are my friend, Kento. You have always been, no matter if I wanted you to be or not. I can’t cut you out of my life, never could, and I don’t want to, either.”

Kento nodded, letting out a deep breath I had not realized he was holding. He still did not seem happy, and I knew that I could not expect him to be, but maybe he was a little relieved. It did not help to weaken the whirlwind of emotions inside of me, though.

“That’s enough for me” he replied, at last. 

I licked my dry lips and tried to find something to add, to reassure him somehow, but I did not know what. _You are important to me._ That would only sound wrong, even if it was true. _I don’t want to hurt you._ It was already too late for that. _I wished I could answer to your feelings._ That was also true, in a way, but still I was standing here, unable to even consider that direction. 

Kento was right. I liked girls. It had always been that way. Being with Kento that way… there were too many things speaking against it. Kento knew that as well as I did. 

“Okay, I will… go back to my room, then” Kento said finally, retreating without looking at me. “I am sorry.”

“Don’t be” I murmured, because apparently, that was the only thing I was able to say, again and again. “I promise this won’t change anything between us.”

“Okay” Kento nodded, trying for a faint smile again before turning around to leave. 

I heard the door closing behind him, and it felt strangely final, leaving me aching for reasons I could not wrap my mind around. 

***

I soon found that the only way to reassure both Kento and myself was to spend more time with him. I would have thought that maybe, a careful distance would be required once one friend confessed his unrequited feelings to the other, but somehow, I felt myself drawn to him more than ever before. 

It was comfortable, interacting normally with Kento, and it calmed the storm inside of me, making me focus. And Kento’s honest smile whenever he noticed me approaching him felt like sunlight, and I hoped that maybe, my closeness had the same effect to him.

He had told me that he wanted to be friends. So it should be okay, I told myself. 

My inner conflict returned whenever he was not around, though, so I found myself addressing the subject of his feelings again after a while. We had dodged any deep conversations for more than two weeks, but I felt like, maybe if we talked about it, I could finally calm down a little and lay my emotions to a rest. 

“Say, Nakajima” I asked tentatively during a shared dinner, and Kento looked up from his Ramen questioningly. “Am I allowed to… ask about it?”

I didn’t need to elaborate what ‘it’ entailed; the slight hesitance on Kento’s face told me that he knew exactly what I was talking about anyways.

“Sure” Kento murmured finally, taking a sip of his drink. “It’s not like I am really hiding anything anymore.”

“I just… would like to understand better” I explained weakly. “To make it easier.”

Kento nodded, quietly stuffing some more noodles into his mouth and looking at me expectantly. 

“Are you gay?” I asked finally, focusing back on my own food as I felt a flush creeping up my cheeks. “Or is it just me?”

“I am… not sure” Kento answered hesitantly. “I haven’t had any feelings for other guys besides you, but I can’t say I find men unattractive in general. Neither girls. Maybe I am bi? I don’t know.”

“Okay” I nodded, chewing on some of my meat as I considered my next question. “How long have you had these feelings for me?”

“A long time” Kento said almost off-handedly. “Since we were teenagers.”

“Oh” I said softly, pushing around some corn in my soup absentmindedly. “I am sorry I did not notice before, then.”

“Don’t be” Kento chuckled darkly. “It would have practically destroyed me if you had found out when I was younger. I was ashamed, and… I like to think I am a little more stable now. Maybe not strong, but more able to hold myself together than I was back then, for sure.”

My heart was pounding at him openly addressing the pain he had gone through because of me, as if it was just another topic between homework and work schedules. It made me feel like the worst kind of friend, which had me finally bursting out: “Can I do anything to make it easier?”

Kento was frowning when I looked up at him, apparently not sure what to answer, and I gulped, before continuing: “I mean, I know you said you wanted to be my friend, and I enjoy being with you, I just…”

“There is not really much you can do” Kento said carefully, biting his lip. “Just be yourself and act like you always do, that’s perfectly fine. And well… maybe no cuddling up to me if you can help it. But other than that…”

“I see” I nodded, picking up some noodles with my chopsticks, even though I wasn’t really eating them. “But hey, I am not as great anyways. You can have way better than me.”

Kento snorted at that, but he was smiling when I threw another look at him. 

“I’ve been trying to tell that to myself all the time” he joked. “Other mothers have beautiful sons, too, and all these things.”

“And daughters” I added. “If you think about it, you have a much bigger chance at love than most of us. You just need to find the right person and forget about an idiot like me.”

“I will try that, then” Kento scoffed, continuing to eat, and though I felt relieved at the way Kento could laugh about it, I still felt a bit of restlessness remaining, and I had no idea how to make that disappear. 

***

I was hit by a sudden inspiration about one week later during Shokura filming. It had only been me and Kento in the dressing room, the kids having wandered off somewhere, when Juri stormed in, grabbing my shoulder as if I was his only chance for salvation or something. 

“Fuma!” He called. “I need your help. Are you free tomorrow night?!”

“I am” I said slowly, raising my eyebrows in question. “What’s wrong?”

“You know that girl I have been into for a while? The one I met at the studio of R no Housoku? She finally agreed to meet me outside of work, but only if we make it a group thing! So I really need 4 guys! Shin and Hokuto are in, but Shoki is busy, and I have a feeling asking Taiga might be a bad idea, so-”

“Okay, okay, I am coming” I laughed, holding my hands up in surrender. “But you are still one guy short.”

“I know” Juri whined. “I was already thinking about Yugo, but he is not here today… And I am not taking Jesse, I think she has an eye on him.”

I threw a short look across the room, watching Kento adjust his hair, before suggesting, pointedly casual: “How about Nakajima?”

Both Kento and Juri blinked and stared at me, though Kento seemed confused as he turned to me whereas Juri was more intrigued.  
“That’s not a bad idea” he murmured, turning to Kento as if mustering him for a check-through. “Are you free tomorrow night, Kento-Kun?” 

“W-what?” Kento stuttered, as if he was not sure why the conversation had turned to him. “I am, but-” 

He cut himself off, his eyes widening as he was suddenly cornered by Juri.

“Awesome, you _have_ to come, it’s an emergency!”

“I-” Kento murmured, looking at me as if hoping for help, and I pointedly turned to my bag, avoiding his eyes. 

“That’s a yes, right? I will mail you the details, you are really helping me out!”

“Juri-Kun, wait-”

“See you tomorrow! Thanks a lot, you two, really!”

With that, Juri fled the room, maybe fearing that Kento would still manage to talk himself out of it if he stayed for too long, and there was an awkward silence in the room after he had left. When I finally threw a look into Kento’s direction, he was outright glaring at me, and I sighed and made a face.

“Don’t be like this, Nakajima.”

“I did not ask you to do that!” he hissed.

“It will be good for you to go out with people” I shrugged. “How are you supposed to meet someone if you don’t even try?”

“Oh, yes, I see why a group date with _you of all people_ will be good for me!” Kento snapped. “Watching you flirt with girls all night, that is _exactly_ what I need!”

“You wanted me to treat you normally!” I called defensively.

“You are not treating me normally, you are trying to make my feelings disappear, like they are some disease or something!” Kento returned angrily, and his words hit me like a punch right in the face.

“That’s not true!” I protested.

“It is! You act like you are all okay with it, talking about it and going out of your way to hang out with me, and I really try to go along with it and be happy about it, but it always returns to you making me understand how much you want me to not feel this way, and I just-”

“I don’t want you to suffer, that is all!”

“And your answer for that is tricking me into group dates I don’t want to go to?! Newsflash: That’s not working. I am not going.” Kento turned back to the mirror with those words, jaw set, and I felt the anger at being shut off like that getting a hold of me before I could help it.

“Don’t act like it’s my fault that you’ve isolated yourself to hover over your unrequited feelings for the past couple of years!” I yelled. “You are not even trying to make an effort to move on, so stop putting the blame on me, you coward.”

Kento’s eyes zoomed in on me through the mirror, and I knew immediately that I had said too much. He had crossed the room to approach me quicker than I would have thought possible, and for a moment, I wondered if that would be the first time in our lives that he would punch me.

Instead, he grabbed the front of my shirt, and I stumbled as he pulled me forward, my heart racing when I noticed how close he suddenly was. I was distracted by the thin, angry lines of his lips for a moment, before my gaze wandered upwards to take note of the tears hanging on his eyelids. 

“If I’d ask you to look at me” Kento finally brought out, his voice rough and shaky, and the whirlwind was back inside of me, tenfold, messing up all my emotions and making me unable to think straight. “would you do it?”

I could not breathe, nor find an answer, but Kento was quicker than I was, as always, putting the words into my mouth before I could produce them.

“You wouldn’t, because it doesn’t work that way. You can’t force yourself to feel what you don’t. You can’t love me back, and I can’t just suppress my feelings for you, either. So stop acting all high and mighty, because no matter how many questions you ask and how ‘cool with it’ you act, you have no idea how I feel inside, and you are in no position to give me any advise!”

I only stared at him, his words echoing in my ears, and to my horror, a single tear slipped from his eyes, making its way down his cheek. 

“But if you’re trying to make me move on, I have good news for you” he added at last, pushing me away with enough force to make me hit the table behind me. “Right now, I really _hate_ you.”

With that, Kento turned to leave the room, and I was left staring at where he had stood until a moment ago, repeating his ‘I really _hate_ you’ over and over again in my head like a bad jingle. 

***

Kento did not even look at me for the rest of the day, and when I sent him a message before going to bed, telling him that I was sorry, he did not answer, even though I could see that he had read it. 

I did not find sleep that night, no matter how hard I tried. It was usually me who picked a fight, not Kento. Never before had he left an angry discussion first, and I had no idea how to deal with Kento being mad at me like this. 

I knew that it was my fault. Inviting him to come along to this group date had been stupid and insensitive. But not in a million years had I anticipated this kind of reaction. Usually, Kento would just silently go along with it even if he felt uncomfortable, and though I had always resented anyone for using that side of him to their advantage, I had tried to do exactly that today, and failed. 

Maybe he had all right to hate me. 

I pressed my face into a pillow, muffling my low groans as I kicked the wall behind my bed in frustration. The thought of Kento hating me had never occurred to me before, and it was horrible imagining it. Kento had always been by my side, and I had always been fairly confident of his affection for me, even in times when we had not been speaking to each other. 

Now, though, I was not so sure anymore, and everything seemed to hurt, so much that I just wanted to scream, despite the fact that it was the middle of the night and my whole family was sleeping. 

I checked my phone again. No new message from Kento. And no trace of sleep, either. 

***

“Did you hear anything from Kento-Kun?” Juri asked me as I arrived in front of the restaurant the next night, Shintaro and Hokuto already present and waiting with him. “He did not answer to my mail earlier…”

“He won’t be coming” I said carefully, not meeting anyone’s eyes. “Something came up, it seems.”

“I see” Juri sighed, seeming relieved. “Yuki-Chan messaged me earlier telling me one of her girls fell sick, so if Kento-Kun is not coming, we are even again. Lucky!”

“I see” I murmured, trying to smile but not quite managing to. I could see Hokuto looking at me questioningly, but I just shook my head, and before anyone could ask, the girls arrived and we went inside. 

Everyone invited tonight was part of the show business, and the girls were cute enough, but not a single one sparked my interest only slightly. In fact, my mind was completely with Kento, and I kept checking my phone to make sure he had not contacted me. 

“Do you have a girlfriend?” One of the girls asked with a smile as she watched me, and I only belatedly realized that she had caught me glancing at my non-existent messages again. “Is that why you are so restless?”

“What? No” I said quickly, fumbling with my phone. “Nothing like that. I am waiting for an important mail, that’s all. From a friend.”

“Hmm” she only nodded, mustering me. “So you are from Sexy Zone, right? I met your band mate Nakajima Kento a while ago at work.” 

“I see” I said slowly, my fingers tightening on my phone unconsciously. Suddenly, I felt double as uncomfortable as before.

“He is cute” she smiled sheepishly. “A shame you did not bring him.”

“He was supposed to come today” Shintaro announced from next to me, apparently having listened in on our conversation. “But it seems he was busy.”

“Aww, really?!” she asked, looking crestfallen. “Well that’s just my luck. I would have loved to get his number.” 

Shintaro raised an eyebrow at me, as if urging me on to play amor, but backtracked immediately when I gave him a glare that meant as much as “Don’t you even dare suggest it”. 

“Well, seems like you have to do with us tonight” he smiled at her quickly, and I took a deep sip of my drink, freezing when I noticed Hokuto mustering me thoughtfully. 

I made an effort to participate in conversations after that, but failed miserably, and when I excused myself to the bathroom after a while, Hokuto followed me, jumping at the opportunity to catch me alone. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked as soon as the door had fallen closed behind us. “You seem miserable. It’s rare to see you not connecting with people you are introduced to.”

“I’m not in the mood” I shrugged, peeking into one of the mirrors across the room, noticing that I really did look uncharacteristically down. I had not realized it was that obvious.

“What happened?” Hokuto prodded, seeming worried, and I was about to shrug it off when something inside of me kicked, as if urging me to talk. I looked up at Hokuto, noting how earnest he was, and decided, to hell with it. I knew Hokuto well enough to know that anything I told him would never leave this room, and I had been angsting about this situation with Kento for almost a month now. If I did not talk about it, especially now, I felt like I would go insane. 

“I had a fight with Nakajima” I admitted, adding in a pathetically small voice: “He said he hates me.”

“He doesn’t hate you” Hokuto returned right away, immediately disregarding my words. “We are talking about Kento-Kun, he does not even know how to actively hate people, especially if it’s you. He treasures you too much.” When I did not answer, only staring into space miserable, Hokuto sighed and leaned against the wall next to the door.

“Start from the beginning. Take your time, I don’t think any of them will really miss us.”

I took a deep breath, and did just that. I told him about Kento’s confession, and how it had made me feel, and how I had tried to attend to his wishes and stay friends, only to end up hearing what I had yesterday, when it had all escalated. Hokuto was silent when I finished, looking at me thoughtfully, and I kneaded my fingers nervously as I waited for him to comment. 

“I have to say, I am not surprised” he said finally. “About Kento-Kun’s feelings, I mean.”

“Why did you not tell me?!” I demanded in exasperation.

“It wasn’t my secret to tell” Hokuto shrugged. “Plus I thought you needed to hear it from him to realize what _you_ were feeling, but apparently, that didn’t work out very well.”

“What do you mean by that?” I asked with a frown.

Hokuto hesitated for a few seconds, apparently choosing his words well before asking: “You said you liked girls, and I have no doubt that you do. But sometimes, gender is not everything, and I don’t think you should let your supposed sexuality influence your decisions like that.”

“I don’t know what you are talking about” I said honestly.

“Kento-Kun is very important to you” Hokuto said firmly. “The way things between you and him are going influences everything you do. Your mood, your actions, everything. It’s no secret between Juri and Shin and me, and even Shoki asked me from time to time if you had fought with Kento-Kun again when you seemed inexplicably down.” When I only blinked at him, quite speechless, Hokuto continued: “To be honest, I think you return his feelings, but you are too scared to admit it. There, I said it.”

My heart was racing, and for a moment, I expected the storm inside of me to flare up again, but surprisingly, it didn’t. Instead, things seemed to fall into place, and I only stared at Hokuto with wide eyes as everything seemed to come crushing down on me. 

“You know it, don’t you?” Hokuto murmured. “That I am right, I mean.”

“B-but” I stuttered, noticing that my fingers were shaking with the force of my emotion. “Even Nakajima knows that I can’t… that I don’t…”

“You only made him believe what you made yourself believe” Hokuto shrugged. 

I didn’t respond, did not know how to, and with a sigh, Hokuto added, his tone challenging now: “If you don’t have any feelings for him, then why won’t you go and give that girl Kento’s number? You said you wanted him to get over you. That should be the perfect opportunity.”

Everything inside of me tightened in protest, and my automatic response was a glare in Hokuto’s direction, which made him smile. 

“Do you really need me to point it out again, Fuma?”

I groaned in frustration, letting myself sink to the floor, cowering in a miserable bundle against the sinks. 

“What do I do now?” I demanded in frustration, and Hokuto sighed before strolling over to me and hovering in front of me. 

“I’m no good at love advice” Hokuto said seriously. “But you should stop running away. Don’t waste your time at a stupid group date just because Juri wants to charm a girl. Go and work things out with Kento-Kun. That’s way more important now.”

“He doesn’t answer my mails” I said in a small voice. “He doesn’t want to see me.”

“ _Mails_ ” Hokuto hissed. “Go to his house. Make him talk to you. Your middle name is ‘stubborn’, for god’s sake. Here is that one time you can use that to your advantage.”

“But what am I supposed to tell him?!” I returned defensively. “I haven’t even figured out what my feelings are myself yet!”

“Then get a grip of yourself and do it!” Hokuto frowned. “Seriously, poor Kento-Kun. None of us would have put you for that dense!”

“Shut up!” I hissed, and Hokuto chuckled, reaching out for my hand. I let him pull me to my feet hesitantly. 

“Go” Hokuto said firmly. “I will tell the others you feel sick or something. Go and figure out what it is you’re feeling and then talk to Kento-Kun one more time. But please be honest to yourself, for once.”

I nodded hesitantly, and Hokuto patted my shoulder before turning for the door, leaving me to myself and my thoughts. 

***

I had just meant to wander around a little, trying to clear my head, but somehow, I found myself in front of Kento’s house barely an hour later, as confused as ever, but knowing that I needed to talk to him. I felt like I was on the edge to something, everything I had felt in the past few weeks and Hokuto’s words barely an hour ago tilting the world into focus again, but I needed to _see_ Kento to make sense out of everything. 

Maybe Hokuto was right. Maybe I was dense. Maybe Kento was right, too. Maybe I was selfish. But letting this go now would mean giving up on the person I had treasured most ever since I had met him almost 7 years ago, and I was not ready to do that. 

So I forced myself to ring the doorbell, feeling a little embarrassed when the one opening turned out to be Kento’s mother in bath robe and pajama, looking at me inquisitively. She seemed a little puzzled as to why I would turn up on their doorstep at 10:30 p.m. (Oops), but ended up sending me upstairs to Kento’s room anyways without asking further questions. 

Thankfully, Kento was still dressed and awake when he opened the door, though the way his eyes wandered over my face seemed more than a little wary. 

“What do you want?” he asked, voice tired and somehow lifeless, and I cursed myself for making him feel like this. Again. Where Kento always managed to frustrate me one way or another, I always managed to discourage him.

“To talk to you” I said simply, and Kento sighed.

“If it’s just another apology, there was no need to come by that late” he murmured, but I was shaking my head even before he had finished speaking. “Fine, come in.”

I was relieved when he allowed me entrance to his room, feeling safer when he closed the door behind us, aware that his parents could listen in on every word we said in the corridor. 

I stood awkwardly in the room for a moment, not sure if I wanted to take a seat or not, but Kento just leaned against the door, crossing his arms as he looked at me expectantly, so I decided it was better to keep standing, for now.

“Nakajima” I murmured, unsure where to start, or what I even wanted to say. “I…”

I could feel Kento’s eyes on my face, and it made it hard to focus, to reach through my thoughts and find words for what was going on inside of me. 

When I still hadn’t spoken up a minute later, Kento murmured, barely audible: “Is this the part where you tell me you can’t be friends with me, after all?”

I blinked, finally raising my head to look at his face, noticing how pale he looked. 

“What?” I whispered, shocked. 

“That’s what this is about, right?” Kento breathed. “I said too much last night. I know I did, it’s just…”

“It was not!” I protested vehemently, finally making him meet my eyes. “It was me who went too far! I was so focused on treating you as a friend that I… that I…” I sighed, still having no idea how to approach this, and when Kento only raised his eyebrows, I let out a frustrated groan.

“When you confessed to me” I burst out. “You said that you knew from the start that I could not return your feelings. Why is that?”

Kento frowned, before responding: “Because you _don’t_.”

“Why do you think so?!” I prodded. “Did you never consider that I might like you back?”

Kento looked at me thoughtfully for a moment, and it made me irrationally nervous. When he answered, his voice was shaky, and a little insecure. 

“I got my hopes up, every now and then” he admitted, at last. “But whenever I felt that we might be going somewhere, you pulled back again, so I figured I was just reading too much into it.”

I bit my lip, remembering Hokuto’s words. _You only made him believe what you made yourself believe_. 

“What would you do” I murmured, hating how weak my voice sounded, how my hands were shaking and even the world seemed unsteady, as if it was made out of jelly. “if I told you that maybe, both of us were wrong?”

“Don’t” Kento whispered, shaking his head, looking strangely scared, but I continued anyways, forcing my voice to steady before I brought out: “What if I told you that maybe, rejecting you was a mistake?”

“Stop it” Kento called, unexpectedly vehement. “Stop saying things you don’t mean just because you feel guilty!”

“It has nothing to do with that, Kento!” I said loudly, and I could see Kento twitching at the sound of his first name. “Just be quiet for a moment and let me say what I came here to say, because I am confused enough as it is!”

“I don’t want to hear what you have to say!” Kento protested. “I am not going to be your little gay experiment just because you _think_ you _might_ have any kind of feelings! I am not strong enough to recover from that kind of thing, damnit!”

“I would never use you as an experiment!” I called. “What the fuck, Kento, how can you even think that?!”

“Then can you say that you love me?!” Kento demanded, and I could spot the tears in his eyes again, making my own throat tighten in warning of the emotions crushing down on me. “Because nothing less will be good enough for me, Fuma!”

“I don’t know if I can say that” I returned, my voice cracking. “But I think I might, and-”

“ _Might_ won’t help any of us!” Kento interrupted me. “ _Might_ will only break my heart, and if I really mean anything to you you won’t do that to me!”

My eyes stung at those words, and as if all energy was leaving me, I sank down to sit on his bed. I had never felt so helpless in my life, not when the management had removed Marius and Sou two consequent singles, not when B.I. Shadow had been broken up, never. This was a whole new level, and I did not know how to deal with it. 

“Then what am I supposed to do?!” I whispered. “I just want a chance to find out why I have always been hurting for the past few weeks. Why can’t you even grant me that?”

I saw a tear slipping Kento’s eyes, but he quickly wiped it away, jaw set. 

“Please, Kento” I pleaded. “I just-”

When Kento met my eyes, I could immediately tell that I had said something wrong, something to make him snap. 

“Fine” he snapped, his voice tight, and then, he was crossing the room, dropping to his knees in front of me. There were still tears in his eyes as his fingers went for the the zipper of my jeans, and I needed a moment to catch up with his actions, but when they did, I caught his wrists, holding them immobile and staring at him with wide eyes.

“What are you-”

“This is what you want, right?!” he called. “So I am just going to give you your damn adventure so that you can decide that you are disgusted and-”

“You can’t seriously think that’s what I want!” I yelled, and now the tears were in my eyes as well, the pain almost consuming me. “Fuck, Kento!”

For a moment, Kento was struggling against my grip, but I did not allow him to do anything, instead pulling him up onto the bed with me and pressing him into the mattress, hands immobile on both sides of his head. 

Kento was crying openly now, and it made my tears fall freely as well, unable to hold it in anymore.

“I can’t believe you’d think that of me” I whispered, finally letting go of him and sliding towards the foot of the bed, putting as much physical difference between us as I could on the limited space of the mattress, and hugging my knees to my chest, trying to control my sobs.

“Do you really hate me?” I asked after a while, my voice so thin that it was a miracle for Kento to understand me, especially with the way he had thrown his arm over his face to stop his tears, but somehow, he did. 

“Is that a trick question?!” he demanded with a shaky voice.

“To think I would use you like this… I can’t believe you have such an opinion of me.”

Kento took a deep breath before sitting up, clumsily rubbing at his cheeks, but new tears kept falling. 

“I could never hate you” Kento whispered. “But being angry is easier. It makes me feel a little less like I am suffocating.”

“I’m sorry” I sobbed, pressing my face against my knees. “This is not what I wanted.”

“Then what do you want?” Kento asked. 

It was the question I had been most afraid to answer, but right now I was so far gone that I did not even care anymore. 

“To be with you” I brought out with some effort. “In whichever way. I want to hold you close. To make you smile, instead of hurting you. About the rest, I am not sure, but I am ready to find out, if you let me.”

I could hear Kento take more deep breaths, probably to calm down, but I could not bring myself to look up to check, and then, I felt the mattress shifting as Kento crawled closer to me. 

“Okay” he said, at last, voice still rough and shaky, but words sure. “Whatever you want.”

When I raised my head, Kento was sitting next to me, looking at me in a mixture between fear and pain and what I hoped was a tiny bit of hope, waiting for me to act, to do _anything_. 

I reached out tentatively, and when he did not back away, I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, pulling him against me. 

Kento was trembling as much as I was, if not worse, but hugging him felt grounding, like I was allowed to take the first breath after being underwater for too long. Both of us were still crying, but when Kento slung his arms around my waist, clinging to me, I wondered if maybe, miraculously, we were going to be alright.

***

When I opened my eyes the next morning, Kento was still in my arms, face pressed into my chest so deeply that I wondered how he was even getting enough air, still fast asleep. 

I pulled away a tiny bit without waking him, enough so that I could look at him, and allowed myself to just watch him sleep for a while. 

I was still sleepy, but somehow clearer, now that I was at Kento’s side. The turmoil of the last few weeks had died down, and I wondered if it had to do with our crying and screaming last night, or with the fact that I had finally granted myself what I had never known that I wanted. 

I allowed myself to gently cup Kento’s cheek with a barely-there touch, sliding closer until I was on eye-level with him, staring. I had always admitted that Kento was beautiful, but I had never indulged in looking at him this closely, quickly becoming embarrassed, but this time, I did not look away, my eyes tracing the lines of his face, his long eyelashes, his moles, his cheekbones, his lips… I found that the longer I looked, the more this dull feeling of fondness spread through my veins, enveloping me, making me smile with its intensity. 

I was still unsure how to call this feeling. It was not new per se, but it was still blurry and I was not good at putting labels on things, but it was there and it was enough for me to try. 

I drew my thumb over Kento’s cheekbone and finally, Kento blinked his eyes open, looking at me sleepily. 

“... Is this real, or am I dreaming?” he mumbled, and I chuckled as I still slid impossibly closer to him, until I could feel the heat of his body. 

“It’s real” I confirmed. “I’m not sure if it’s the reality you want, but here I am.”

Kento’s only answer was to reach out to brush my hair out of my face, and it felt tender and nice and made my skin tingle where he had touched it. 

“About yesterday” I whispered, adding softly: “About _us_.” Kento nodded, showing that he was listening. “I don’t want to make promises, but I want to try. I want to give this a chance, and even if I can’t confidently say ‘I love you’ the way you want me to yet, I can say that I want to be with you and that you are important to me. I just… need more time to figure this out. Will you give that to me?”

Kento took a deep breath, before nodding, smiling tentatively. 

“Okay” he agreed. “I will wait.”

“Thanks” I sighed in relief, making Kento chuckle softly. “Also… and I hope this doesn’t sound like I want to experiment again…” Kento raised his eyebrows in obvious amusement, making me smile. “Can I kiss you?”

Kento ran his fingers through my hair, until it rested on my nape, eyes focused on mine, before nodding once. 

I licked my lips in a subconscious gesture, taking in his face and caressing his cheekbone again, making him close his eyes at the sensation.

Somehow, it was easier to lean in and press my lips against his when Kento was not watching me, but the excitement still made my nerves buzz and my heartbeat speed up.

The kiss was soft, almost innocent, with the lightest brushes of Kento’s lips against mine, but I felt it deeply, like a steady warmth invading my whole being, and it was the best thing I had felt in a long, long time.

When I pulled away, Kento seemed slightly out of breath, looking at me expectantly.

I smiled, resting my forehead against his and hugging him closer to me.

“And?” Kento whispered, obviously unable to keep himself from asking.

I kissed the tip of his nose, before pressing my lips against his forehead.

“I could get used to this” I murmured.

I felt the tension drain from Kento’s shoulders, and when I leaned in to kiss him again, our kiss tasted of hope. 

**Author's Note:**

> I am sorry *hides*  
> I hope you enjoyed it. It might get a sequel in the future, just... not now.  
> Thanks for reading! Please leave a comment!


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